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I am "The Anger Guy" and this is My Story
By Evan L. Katz, M.C.
I grew up in a world of chaos. My father was an angry, aggressive alcoholic lawyer who used his brains and subsequent power to bully and brow beat my family and I into fear, darkness and omission. My mother somehow divorced my father when I was five, but by then it was too late. I had seen and experienced too much. As my brother said, “You had to live with him. I didn’t.”
By the age of seven I had concluded that I was not worth loving. That I was no good. And that my spirit of goodness and gladness was foolish and not to be rewarded. I clearly understood that I was to perform and exert power in order to gain approval. I understood that I existed for his happiness; not my own. That this is what my life was about. The rest of me, I truly believed, was expendable; a complete waste of both body and soul.
Powerless, Fearful, and Emotionally Alone
By the time I was ten I had become an angry and lonely young man. I can remember relying on my brains and artificial smile; both meticulously positioned to keep people “away from me” both at home and at school. I found myself making sense of life in the early morning hours before the day began, staring and admiring the 'snow' on television (pre-cable era). I remember imagining life in that visual chaos; seeing the 'nothing' that I actually felt. Once my mother found me under the bathroom vanity with my hands over my ears, blocking out the voices after she and my father had argued. I recall my embarrassment; my unwillingness to talk to her about most anything important. I had shut my mother out. I was alone and I knew it. Years earlier I had learned how not to trust. Thus, I was a ten year-old child with near total repression of primary feelings (fear, pain, rejection). I knew only anger, but this I knew well.
As a teen, I converted my chaos to fear and fear to the ‘need for control.’ I utilized yelling, raging, punching holes in walls, verbal domination, defiance, alcohol and drugs, and other intense self-centered behaviors as substitutes and masks for my real feelings: constant fear and pain. My need to dominate and control was directly proportionate to my perception of self as powerless, fearful, and entirely inadequate. My constant fear of 'being seen as a phony' and being seen as 'irrelevant' created a lonely, burning sense of panic that manifested through ego, anger, and arrogance.
By the age of 25, I saw myself as a mirror image of my father; and still without his approval. My life was a mess. I felt lonely, powerless, and full of fear; just as I felt as an innocent little boy, hiding from life - beneath the vanity.
- Today, I believe in me.
- Today I can get angry without being angry.
- Today, I control my anger; it does not control me.
- Today, I can identify the underlying causes that fuel my angry feelings. I no longer have a need to get angry.
- Today, I take ownership for my behavior. I recognize that it is my behavior that people see; not my intentions.
On Thanksgiving Day, 1998 – he died. I was 35. I remember feeling sad, confused, yet relieved. “Now I can be me,” I remember saying to myself.
But the problem still existed: I did not know 'me.' No matter how hard I tried, the 'old me' always showed up. And what’s more, I could no longer blame my father for my troubles. He was gone. There were no more excuses for my behavior. I was lost, completely baffled by my deceased father’s voice of criticism, disapproval, and failure drowning out my repressed inner voice, pleading for help within my still chaotic mind and unmanageable view of the world. I knew not what to do.
I finally 'gave up'; admitting to my inner most self that my way of life was no longer working. After tens of failed job opportunities, a painful marital separation, mountains of debt, burnt bridges, alcoholism, and severe depression, I had a moment in time of crystal clear understanding as to who and what I really was. I became honest with myself and then with someone else – this was very hard to do, as I still trusted no one; but I had nothing left to lose. I became open to new ideas, even though this was a terrifying move. And finally, I became willing to try new strategies and behaviors in almost every area of life; taking instructions instead of thinking that I should be giving them.
Today I understand what has happened to me. I am able to feel what my pain was like. I am able to appreciate the joys and gifts I have today.
I am no longer my own worst enemy.
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Today, I act respectfully towards others and myself. I have learned that if I want respect, I must be willing to give it.
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Today, I can be happy and I can trust.
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Today, I can get angry without blowing up.
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Today, I know that no one but I control my feelings.
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Today, I have become the real man I have always wanted to be.
EVAN L. KATZ, M.C., LAPC, MAC
"THE ANGER GUY"
Anger Assessments / DUI Evaluations
Specialized Counseling for Angry Men
678.698.0311
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